All following quotes are by Dylan Moran:
- “I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”
- "I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate."
- "To me religion seems like a bunch of people talking to their imaginary friend."
- "We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now."
- "You watch your small child walking around with a plug looking for jam, Me: What are you doing? Child: Looking for jam Me:Why? Child: Because I'm making plug jam, don't ask stupid fucking questions!"
- "Bradford? Well you know it's the kind of place you go to commit suicide and find they have run out of razor blades, Telford? Oh god Telford, Telford makes Bradford look like paradise, you go to these places purely to experience the overwhelming joy of leaving them."
- "I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!"
- "It's not easy being a man! Oh no..I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures."
- "Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say "Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we- W-why are we on a traffic island?"
- "This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya."
And my favourite one (as you probably know already):
- "I don't want to make any huge generalisations about women, I'm not here to do that, it's- it's vulgar. But all I'll say is that they have no feelings. Because it's actually men, you'll find, who are the far more romantic. Men are the people you will hear say, "I've found somebody. She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I'm fucked. I can't carry on, no I mean it, she's totally transformed my life. I have a job, I have a flat, it means nothing. I can't stand it, I have to be with her. Because if I don't, I going to end up in some bedsit, I'll be alcoholic, I'll have itchy trousers. I can't- I can't walk the streets any more." That, is how women feel about shoes!!"
Some quotes from Black Books (2000 - 2004):
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