Monday, 5 September 2011

The Journey to the Bottom and Back

About some time ago I was in the cinema with a friend of mine. Both of us are about thirty, both of us broken hearted in some way, both of us in a particular time of life when we are dealing with "things". It was a film called Bridesmaids. It was a comedy about women and for women, nothing serious, quite fun.
And there was a wonderful line both of us mentioned while going home from the cinema - when the main protagonist who is thirty-something appears in the front of her mother´s door and says something like: "Do you remember when you told me last time that that was the bottom? You were wrong. This is the bottom." and then she dejectedly moves in.

It´s hard to say when you are in your personal bottom, because even when you think that things cannot be worse, they usually become worse. Of course they do. So, isn´t the bottom the place where you just simply decide that you bounce back? That you do not want to give up? Sometimes simply just because you cannot. The place where you realise you want to be happy so you should do this and that?
Last week I was in that place. My personal bottom. It was that kind of week when you are able neither cry nor laugh. You are tired as hell and simply just want to survive.
I was handing over the keys of the house I had rented to a new tenant. We met at that house - me, the new tenant and the owner of the house. I handed the keys, we all left the building and said good bye and then the owner and the new tenant got into their cars and moved off. And at that moment I realised I had left my personal keys indoor. And I didn´t have a telephone number to a new tenant and the owner had changed hers not a long ago so I didn´t have it either.
And at that moment I appeared myself in my bottom. It wasn´t the biggest event that had happened but it was the last one which made it to that bottom. I was standing in front of the house for about five minutes. I got simply blank. I was standing there, staring at the house and having a strong feeling that if I had sit at that place down, the ground would have opened, have swallowed me and I would have rested in peace...
I was lucky enough that there were not many people around, because I must have looked nuts. After my five minutes staring I realised there was very small chance the ground would open. So I called my sister to borrow her keys and therefore to be able to get into our flat. And I started to think again. It was kind of restart.
Things are not going to be better just because I really want them to be. And it will take some time to calm things down inside of me, to get some system again. But my restart was done, I stopped being afraid of future. Everything´s going to be all right or bearable at least. Because it has to be. There is no other option.
I am sometimes very impatient and I want everything now and quickly. And I wanted to be happy and satisfied and sort everything out quite fast. But it didn´t work and I started to feel more and more terrible. Now I know. I know that the fact that I don´t have all I want now doesn´t mean I would not have it somewhen in the future. I don´t regret anything. Even the bad things. Every single one of them was good for some other. I know who my real friends are, I know I have loving family around me, I know I am not perfect but I can try to fix me, I know where I am heading now. Slowly, but I believe I get there once.
Maybe I am a bigger fighter than I have always thought to be. Or maybe I am simply stubborn as hell. Which I know I am. Things will be all right again. Because I will make them to be. A big part of my energy has been sucked dry. And I want it back. So we will see how my plan is going to work. Soon I think:-)

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